11/27/06
Fear
When I was a kid I was afraid of heights, very afraid.
We had a little footbridge over a dry ditch. I couldn't cross it.
When I rode in a car I laid down on the floor of the back seat as we drove over high bridges.
Fear has a colour.
It is grey, a frightening green tinged grey.
Fear has a feeling. When seated it is a flash of fire in the thighs above and beside the knees. The energy dissipates in a flash that circles the belly and leaves it aching.
My fear of heights has re-awakened. My belly hurts.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Ancient History: Beyond the Hedge; Morning Vision
10/17/06
Morning Vision
I floated upward from sleep and parted the clouds of my slumber. Feet planted on the smooth chilly bedside floor, I tested and rose to a wavering stand. Before me, the window was curtained fast. I reached out and parted the curtains.
The dawn sky was the colour of a flamingo's dreams. The crows, reversing their sunset migration, were arising from their secret places. A torrent of crows winged forth to the early morning skies. Their flight plan had them start low and then rise rapidly, directly over my house. It was as if I could reach out and touch their iridescent undercarriages.
I crouched down and sank back onto the bed. I closed my eyes to remember. Forever.
Morning Vision
I floated upward from sleep and parted the clouds of my slumber. Feet planted on the smooth chilly bedside floor, I tested and rose to a wavering stand. Before me, the window was curtained fast. I reached out and parted the curtains.
The dawn sky was the colour of a flamingo's dreams. The crows, reversing their sunset migration, were arising from their secret places. A torrent of crows winged forth to the early morning skies. Their flight plan had them start low and then rise rapidly, directly over my house. It was as if I could reach out and touch their iridescent undercarriages.
I crouched down and sank back onto the bed. I closed my eyes to remember. Forever.
Ancient History: Beyond the Hedge; Gallant
10/12/06
Gallant
My hero
I was first to the bus stop. In time to see the butt end of the bus fading away. I closed my umbrella and stepped into the empty shelter. Moments later Cynthia stepped into the shelter after peering up the road into the headlights and drizzle.
"We missed it" I said as she removed her plastic rain hat and smoothed her hair. I moved over indicating the bench but she shook her head.
Nadia rounded the corner and nodded to me as she reached to hug her neighbour. I faded away into the drizzle and headlights as they talked about Nadia's twin teens and Cynthia's trip home, to the Caribbean.
A man with a heavy leather brief case peeked into the shelter from under a plaid golf umbrella. We began to rearrange ourselves but he shook his head and reaching inside placed his brief case on the floor away from the puddles. As the sky lightened he stood outside, shifting his weight from foot to foot. I wondered about his choice of foot wear for such a wet morning. His shoes were a woven leather and seemed out of synch with his conservative business clothing.
The headlights of the bus became visable and I judged the severity of the rainfall against the inconvenience of having a dripping umbrella on a crowded bus and kept my umbrella closed. Nadia stepped out of the shelter. The gentleman put his umbrella over her head but she stepped out from under it. Undeterred, he turned to Cynthia who took his arm. He helped her up the single stair onto the bus. I stepped forward towards the but in the now pouring rain. He turned back for me, picking up his brief case as he did. We walked across the sidewalk together, under the shelter of his umbrella, and I mounted the bus ahead of him.
I felt the glow of my smile at his chivalry long after the raindrops had dried.
Ancient History: Beyond the Hedge;The Lonely Only
10/3/06
The Lonely Only
I spent a lot of my childhood alone, looking out the window, waiting. "Children are to be seen and not heard" was a frequently repeated theme of my early childhood. So as I waited quietly, I observed.
The best observation post the year I was five was behind the curtain looking out the dining room window. It was out of sight but not out of earshot and had a magical view of the neighbour's wonderful overgrown garden which was filled with holly trees, the friendly chirping of wet sparrows, joyous robins , and wandering cats.
Other years, other windows.
One window somewhere, some year, was home to many lady bird bugs. I remember their earthy odour and the warmth of the sunny window where they congregated .
My favourite white t-shirt was a Lady Bird brand t-shirt. I didn't get to wear it often enough for my liking and I can remember being helped into it one lucky morning. After surfacing from the confusion of armholes and neck hole I happily recited~
"Lady bird, lady bird fl-y away home, your house is on fire, and your children are alone."
"We don't leave children alone" my mother said.
The Lonely Only
I spent a lot of my childhood alone, looking out the window, waiting. "Children are to be seen and not heard" was a frequently repeated theme of my early childhood. So as I waited quietly, I observed.
The best observation post the year I was five was behind the curtain looking out the dining room window. It was out of sight but not out of earshot and had a magical view of the neighbour's wonderful overgrown garden which was filled with holly trees, the friendly chirping of wet sparrows, joyous robins , and wandering cats.
Other years, other windows.
One window somewhere, some year, was home to many lady bird bugs. I remember their earthy odour and the warmth of the sunny window where they congregated .
My favourite white t-shirt was a Lady Bird brand t-shirt. I didn't get to wear it often enough for my liking and I can remember being helped into it one lucky morning. After surfacing from the confusion of armholes and neck hole I happily recited~
"Lady bird, lady bird fl-y away home, your house is on fire, and your children are alone."
"We don't leave children alone" my mother said.
Ancient History: Beyond the Hedge;Doesn't play well with others,
09/12/06
I attended a workshop on the weekend. We did an exercise where we circulated the room for two minutes without making intentional eye contact with the other participants, keeping our heads down, with no speaking or touching others.In the next part of the exercise we circled the room for two minutes and made what I will call furtive eye contact with the other participants, still with no speaking or touching anyoneand no smiles. Then we circled the room yet again, and tried to make a connection through eye contact and smiles. AND lastly, we did the same again but this time we could offer greetings, shake hands, hug, wink, although we weren't to actually stop and talk .
Now the whole thing was quite simple, and I predicted the results, at least to myself, in advance. What I wasn't prepared for was the intensity of emotion the exercise created in me!
The first situation felt ordinary to me. I glanced, I evaluated, I gathered evidence, I made suppositions. In the second instance where we looked furtively at people I felt very lonely, I felt like I was being judged and there was a real tension there for me.
When we evaluated these situations one of the participants likened it to being put in the corner as a child and said she found it more difficult than the first situation because there was no expectation of interaction but no peace from it’s absence either.
In the third situation, where we were allowed to make eye contact and smile, I was surprised to find how cheated I felt when I offered myself to others and they chose not to engage. Because this was a varied group from a wide range of situations there were those who did not feel safe or comfortable engaging with me. I felt like I put myself out there and they denied me something I wanted-obviously this was in a very subtle way and I might not have actually noticed it had it not been in the context of self examination and discussion. Interesting to me was the participant when I offered my observation who asked me, did I feel "cheated" because "I wanted something from them?" or did I feel "cheated" because "they didn't want to take what I was giving?" I didn't have a clear take on that. I am not sure I do now.
The last part of the exercise was the real revelation for me. I felt invigorated and very positive but ALSO I had had enough very quickly. I became satiated and wanted to move on.
Now perhaps that is because we had just spent all this time demonstrating what I had felt was a predictable result, or maybe it was a heads up to me. I have been told I can be brusque and other people are sometimes intimidated by me. I worked for a Mega American corporation for a time and we were subjected to the best modern HR has to offer, three times a year. Repeatedly during this performance evaluation process I was told my colleagues didn't know what to make of me - my answer was "that is their problem"-but, they knew they could rely on me. SIGH!
I am still evaluating what to take away from all of this,other than the obvious you feel better when you make a connection message. I think it may also indicate I need to be a bit more patient with others.
Do you think there is a t-shirt that says "Doesn't play well with others" out there?
I attended a workshop on the weekend. We did an exercise where we circulated the room for two minutes without making intentional eye contact with the other participants, keeping our heads down, with no speaking or touching others.In the next part of the exercise we circled the room for two minutes and made what I will call furtive eye contact with the other participants, still with no speaking or touching anyoneand no smiles. Then we circled the room yet again, and tried to make a connection through eye contact and smiles. AND lastly, we did the same again but this time we could offer greetings, shake hands, hug, wink, although we weren't to actually stop and talk .
Now the whole thing was quite simple, and I predicted the results, at least to myself, in advance. What I wasn't prepared for was the intensity of emotion the exercise created in me!
The first situation felt ordinary to me. I glanced, I evaluated, I gathered evidence, I made suppositions. In the second instance where we looked furtively at people I felt very lonely, I felt like I was being judged and there was a real tension there for me.
When we evaluated these situations one of the participants likened it to being put in the corner as a child and said she found it more difficult than the first situation because there was no expectation of interaction but no peace from it’s absence either.
In the third situation, where we were allowed to make eye contact and smile, I was surprised to find how cheated I felt when I offered myself to others and they chose not to engage. Because this was a varied group from a wide range of situations there were those who did not feel safe or comfortable engaging with me. I felt like I put myself out there and they denied me something I wanted-obviously this was in a very subtle way and I might not have actually noticed it had it not been in the context of self examination and discussion. Interesting to me was the participant when I offered my observation who asked me, did I feel "cheated" because "I wanted something from them?" or did I feel "cheated" because "they didn't want to take what I was giving?" I didn't have a clear take on that. I am not sure I do now.
The last part of the exercise was the real revelation for me. I felt invigorated and very positive but ALSO I had had enough very quickly. I became satiated and wanted to move on.
Now perhaps that is because we had just spent all this time demonstrating what I had felt was a predictable result, or maybe it was a heads up to me. I have been told I can be brusque and other people are sometimes intimidated by me. I worked for a Mega American corporation for a time and we were subjected to the best modern HR has to offer, three times a year. Repeatedly during this performance evaluation process I was told my colleagues didn't know what to make of me - my answer was "that is their problem"-but, they knew they could rely on me. SIGH!
I am still evaluating what to take away from all of this,other than the obvious you feel better when you make a connection message. I think it may also indicate I need to be a bit more patient with others.
Do you think there is a t-shirt that says "Doesn't play well with others" out there?
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
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