Small Things

I don't really want to get into the whole  Boomerang Kids  discussion or debate. This is just how it is  today, this week, this  month; for now .
 
I have two kids, men actually. One has been  out on his own for close to 10 years and the other has not. I love my guys and more than that, I like my guys. I think they are wonderful men. I admire the people they have become. They are generous and helpful and funny. Recently they have both left town-literally.  The younger one has bounced in and out of our home for the last 3 years working in other communities and then returning home as the season geared down, travelling,  returning home, and setting off to work out of town again.  The last time he arrived home he said,

" This is the last time I am doing this. When I leave next time, I leave for good"

As the season for him to leave approached there was a flurry of activity as he sorted, filed, packed and disposed of a decade of the un-disposed detritus of life. I was pressed into service. It was bittersweet because while there was almost a decade when my mantra was "I will miss him when he's gone" the fact hit me squarely in the face. I no longer felt that way. We had moved on from that parent-child gulley of tension to an easy rhythm of respect. Still I am no fool, and  it was past time for him to be gone.

Interspersed with his preparation was his older brother's preparation to relocate after a "world tour."  We went to his soccer games -"this could be the last time" we said to each other. His Dad shared sports with him on the little screen at home and the big screen in the bar. (Small mercies- *I* am NOT a sports fan!) We shared breakfast, lunch, and dinner with him -

"Who knows when we'll do this again?" we said to each other.

Life has been a whirlwind of activity-not chosen activity but truly a whirlwind where you are picked up and swept along in our case by the energy of two whirlwinds.

Before the scheduled date, a call came and our younger son was on a plane heading out . Left behind were partially filled boxes, full hangers, unfiled taxes, tools, records and a car. Mom - that's me stepped in. I am delighted to say the taxes are filed , the car is sold and a very few of the boxes have been closed.

Elder son left a few weeks after his brother. His father and I helped him get his home ready to rent, sell his car and we ate, reminised and just plain hung out together. "We may never do this again" we said to each other.

It's been three weeks since the last plane left. My husband has taken to leaving the laundry basket right outside  our son's door when he comes up from our basement laundry room.

"I know no one is going to come barrelling through there"  he said to me one day by way of an explanation  I hadn't asked for. I nodded. I notice he has taken to parking his truck in the middle of the drive way. It is the only vehicle.  None of our friends  would expect to park on the  rear driveway. As I leave the house I grab my purse and go I notice. There is no shuffling of coats to find where my things have been buried. From time to time I find myself glancing towards the back of the house surprised to find there are no large shoes askew on the floor by the door.

I DO miss them now they are gone, and so does he. We are though, alone together at last.

Removed from reality.

I had occasion to work with someone I don't know at all today. We were staff at a conference and there was a whole lot of down time and so, we chatted. Her hair was thick and lovely, she was trim and fit. She had beautiful clothing and she took great care with her appearance. We spoke of her social life and her desire to be a mom. She was by outward appearances a confident woman looking for a man, a gal in tune with the biological imperative to reproduce. I couldn't believe what she said and I am still shaking my head in wonder. How is it that people, indeed women today have become so removed from the reality of life?


This seemingly educated young women in a conversation about birth said "It's just not natural. It's totally unnatural to push a baby from you vagina. It's just not natural!"

Ya ha! Is it natural, Honey. That's how it happens most of the time!

Milestones

When my Grand was younger he came to me on Tuesdays.

After he had settled in I'd ask him if he wanted a "kid cofee." Almost always, the answer was "yes" and we'd sit together sipping and plan our day. I have been making him his cocoa ever since. With one thing and another; his mother moving to the burbs, high-school, and a part-time job he and I don't see each other often enough and so the ritual has fizzled out.

He joined us for Thanksgiving dinner this weekend. The dinner had been planned around his work schedule. The turkey dinner had been shared and we had all retired to the living room to digest and engage in a lively game of Cranium. There was pumpkin pie waiting for us and so after a time I took a poll of what beverages were neeeded to wash down the pie.

"I'll have tea Gramma" my darling little boy said. It was a first! That little boy is gone, and now my university student grandson is drinking tea.

Don't tell him I made him decaf;o)

Ancient History: Beyond the Hedge;Doesn't play well with others,

09/12/06
I attended a workshop on the weekend. We did an exercise where we circulated the room for two minutes without making intentional eye contact with the other participants, keeping our heads down, with no speaking or touching others.In the next part of the exercise we circled the room for two minutes and made what I will call furtive eye contact with the other participants, still with no speaking or touching anyoneand no smiles. Then we circled the room yet again, and tried to make a connection through eye contact and smiles. AND lastly, we did the same again but this time we could offer greetings, shake hands, hug, wink, although we weren't to actually stop and talk .

Now the whole thing was quite simple, and I predicted the results, at least to myself, in advance. What I wasn't prepared for was the intensity of emotion the exercise created in me!
The first situation felt ordinary to me. I glanced, I evaluated, I gathered evidence, I made suppositions. In the second instance where we looked furtively at people I felt very lonely, I felt like I was being judged and there was a real tension there for me.
When we evaluated these situations one of the participants likened it to being put in the corner as a child and said she found it more difficult than the first situation because there was no expectation of interaction but no peace from it’s absence either.

In the third situation, where we were allowed to make eye contact and smile, I was surprised to find how cheated I felt when I offered myself to others and they chose not to engage. Because this was a varied group from a wide range of situations there were those who did not feel safe or comfortable engaging with me. I felt like I put myself out there and they denied me something I wanted-obviously this was in a very subtle way and I might not have actually noticed it had it not been in the context of self examination and discussion. Interesting to me was the participant when I offered my observation who asked me, did I feel "cheated" because "I wanted something from them?" or did I feel "cheated" because "they didn't want to take what I was giving?" I didn't have a clear take on that. I am not sure I do now.

The last part of the exercise was the real revelation for me. I felt invigorated and very positive but ALSO I had had enough very quickly. I became satiated and wanted to move on.
Now perhaps that is because we had just spent all this time demonstrating what I had felt was a predictable result, or maybe it was a heads up to me. I have been told I can be brusque and other people are sometimes intimidated by me. I worked for a Mega American corporation for a time and we were subjected to the best modern HR has to offer, three times a year. Repeatedly during this performance evaluation process I was told my colleagues didn't know what to make of me - my answer was "that is their problem"-but, they knew they could rely on me. SIGH!

I am still evaluating what to take away from all of this,other than the obvious you feel better when you make a connection message. I think it may also indicate I need to be a bit more patient with others.

Do you think there is a t-shirt that says "Doesn't play well with others" out there?