Another Year

Today I AM older and still no wiser. In fact just this last little while I feel less sure of myself , not in a dotty oldster sort of way but questioning what I  have always held to be true, those basic beliefs about who I am and what I know. I have questioned my view of past happenings and assumptions that have shaped my life. I always thought that old folks were rigid in their thoughts and beliefs-either I'm not there yet  or this is one of my realizations.

This year has been remarkable, probably one of the most significant of my life. I have repeatedly  been present at the most powerful of moments  one can ever experience. I have witnessed the first breath  of  nine new lives.The spark of energy that ignites in the room when a child is born is palpable. It charges the room and reflects in the faces of everyone there. I feel it in my being. I could never have imagined the gift I would be given when I first chose to be a birth companion three years ago. I only saw what I could give not what I would receive. I am so thankful to the families that choose me to accompany them on their journey.

In this year, my youngest son has left home. He was late to leave and truly I had begun to see him as always living here . I could not imagine life without him living with us, but not living with us; here but separate. It's been over 6 months now and I miss him, but I don't . We talk and text from time to time and I try to turn off the worry switch. When those thoughts begin to rise, I try not to let them settle on me. I remind myself of how capable he is and remember back to when I was that age and it helps to quell the concerns. I have let him go and with his departure the responsibility that I have held onto, or so I tell myself and truly it is better every week he is on his own.

My elder son is away-way away. He has left his job and is travelling in Southeast Asia. I have been very proud of him. He has had a very responsible position and a strong successful career. I am even prouder of him for giving it all up and allowing himself to be the man he needs to be. His travel is not open ended. He will return at the end of the year. He is often in danger, his life is frequently imperiled and yet I am little more than anxious when he hasn't called for a few weeks. Even the call to say he was recovering from dengue fever did little to my calm. I look forward to his return and the new adventure he will undertake as a husband and my new role as a mother- in- law.


I can't reflect on my relationship too long or too deeply. We dance around each other politely and relish in the space between us physically and emotionally but then we become very close and it's almost as if the 35 years of parenthood never happened and we are sweet lovers, once again.

It's been quite a year, this 60th year of my life. I look forward to the unfolding future.

Small Things

I don't really want to get into the whole  Boomerang Kids  discussion or debate. This is just how it is  today, this week, this  month; for now .
 
I have two kids, men actually. One has been  out on his own for close to 10 years and the other has not. I love my guys and more than that, I like my guys. I think they are wonderful men. I admire the people they have become. They are generous and helpful and funny. Recently they have both left town-literally.  The younger one has bounced in and out of our home for the last 3 years working in other communities and then returning home as the season geared down, travelling,  returning home, and setting off to work out of town again.  The last time he arrived home he said,

" This is the last time I am doing this. When I leave next time, I leave for good"

As the season for him to leave approached there was a flurry of activity as he sorted, filed, packed and disposed of a decade of the un-disposed detritus of life. I was pressed into service. It was bittersweet because while there was almost a decade when my mantra was "I will miss him when he's gone" the fact hit me squarely in the face. I no longer felt that way. We had moved on from that parent-child gulley of tension to an easy rhythm of respect. Still I am no fool, and  it was past time for him to be gone.

Interspersed with his preparation was his older brother's preparation to relocate after a "world tour."  We went to his soccer games -"this could be the last time" we said to each other. His Dad shared sports with him on the little screen at home and the big screen in the bar. (Small mercies- *I* am NOT a sports fan!) We shared breakfast, lunch, and dinner with him -

"Who knows when we'll do this again?" we said to each other.

Life has been a whirlwind of activity-not chosen activity but truly a whirlwind where you are picked up and swept along in our case by the energy of two whirlwinds.

Before the scheduled date, a call came and our younger son was on a plane heading out . Left behind were partially filled boxes, full hangers, unfiled taxes, tools, records and a car. Mom - that's me stepped in. I am delighted to say the taxes are filed , the car is sold and a very few of the boxes have been closed.

Elder son left a few weeks after his brother. His father and I helped him get his home ready to rent, sell his car and we ate, reminised and just plain hung out together. "We may never do this again" we said to each other.

It's been three weeks since the last plane left. My husband has taken to leaving the laundry basket right outside  our son's door when he comes up from our basement laundry room.

"I know no one is going to come barrelling through there"  he said to me one day by way of an explanation  I hadn't asked for. I nodded. I notice he has taken to parking his truck in the middle of the drive way. It is the only vehicle.  None of our friends  would expect to park on the  rear driveway. As I leave the house I grab my purse and go I notice. There is no shuffling of coats to find where my things have been buried. From time to time I find myself glancing towards the back of the house surprised to find there are no large shoes askew on the floor by the door.

I DO miss them now they are gone, and so does he. We are though, alone together at last.

Speaking of Childish Delight

I spent some time with my favourite 15 month old yesterday. Last week we had been reading books together and I really hadn't paid too much  attention to his choice of books but yesterday. his mom was there and she mentioned that Baby Sign was his favourite book  and so he and I played "sign"as we went through the little book twice, and then again- repeat .

I was bored by that time and was hoping to have more adult conversation as this was not a one on one with the lad but had been  intended as a visit with Mom interspersed with periods of boy-time. He had other ideas and after we once again  very cutely signed our way through  drink, hot, finish, apple, bannana I tried to move onto other toys. The little man had other thoughts  and continued to sign more to me.  How could I not ! We worked our way through the book again several times.

Baby sign is not only incredibly cute it is very useful ! Allowing a non verbal child to convey his needs, desires and wants is a brilliant idea!  I can imagine the frustration that could have been avoided for my own sons had  I been aware if this system when they were small. Now if only I'd of had the presence of mind to sign finish back at him when he was insisting on more !

Here is a link I located if you are interested in knowing a little more about baby sign language.
http://www.babysignlanguage.com/chart/

Removed from reality.

I had occasion to work with someone I don't know at all today. We were staff at a conference and there was a whole lot of down time and so, we chatted. Her hair was thick and lovely, she was trim and fit. She had beautiful clothing and she took great care with her appearance. We spoke of her social life and her desire to be a mom. She was by outward appearances a confident woman looking for a man, a gal in tune with the biological imperative to reproduce. I couldn't believe what she said and I am still shaking my head in wonder. How is it that people, indeed women today have become so removed from the reality of life?


This seemingly educated young women in a conversation about birth said "It's just not natural. It's totally unnatural to push a baby from you vagina. It's just not natural!"

Ya ha! Is it natural, Honey. That's how it happens most of the time!

SIXTY

Huh! How did this happen?

Greybeard

Although we have grown old together, I have never again seen your chin.

Some times it just smacks you in the face-

being old I mean.

Winter has been pretty long this year,long and nasty.
Work has been unusually brutal.

I was off work a little early one day recently. The afternoon sun was warm. The sky was clear blue, bright. My plans for a quick walk home had been thwarted by the sale signs across the road which had beckoned me back inside. I immediately found an unusually good bargain- a gift for a friend. I emerged quickly glad to be outside again and feeling munificent and happy.Ready to pepstep home with energy and vigour the weak spring sun warming my smile, the slight breeze wresting the song from my soul

The city bus had just pulled away from the stop. A generation of middle school students were taking leave of each other. They filled the air with greetings and leave takings; curses and threats. A body went into a snowbank;some ice was crushed under heel; snow balls and ice chunks flew through the air. I stood back and waited for them to pass.

"Hey Jerk- let the old lady pass " someone called